And then, it disappeared. Just like that, I was bounced out of the software and the entire masterpiece was deleted.
Was I not supposed to share this particular message? Did my guides step in and say, "Not yet?" Have I not yet reached the conclusions that I am to reach?
I must admit, I felt a bit crushed, immediately saying to myself, "I don't have time for this!"
Knowing I can not capture the essence of a message that was not formed of my own mind, I breathed in a few deep gulps of air and asked, "what is this about?"
Emergence, unfolding, trust, faith, surrender, trust again.
Yet, even as I type this line, this word, I feel incredibly disappointed that I just lost what felt like a powerfully significant piece of writing.
And, then, I laugh. After all, the entire article was about coming to terms with a truth I am fighting not to see. A truth about Purpose and it's relationship to this insatiable human desire to feel significant.
Recently, I gave myself permission to fantasize about saying "no" to my purpose. I even imagined writing a letter of resignation to God and asking him to find someone else to fill my position.
I've actually been opening to this exploration for several weeks, and to a certain extent, have Oprah and Eckhardt Tolle to thank for this incredible journey.
When Oprah announced the worldwide webinar that is guiding people through Tolle's book,
A New Earth, Awakening to Your Life's Purpose, I received several emails from clients who have gone through my
Awakening to Purpose program at
www.awakeningtopurpose.com.
Some saw Oprah's endorsement as incredibly validating of my bigger "why." Others immediately saw my entire business crumbling under the giant of A New Earth.
Initially, I must admit, I felt a little like the mom and pop business watching WalMart move into town. After all, how could I possibly compete with Oprah?
So, I fantasized about what it would be like to not write, teach or coach anymore. I imagined what it might be like to get a "normal job" with a regular paycheck. I even fantasized about deleting my unpublished books, unrecorded lyrics, and hundreds of pages of writing from my hard drive. I entertained the idea of burning my journals and canceling all of the accounts that I use for my websites, this newsletter, and my blogs and radio show.
Then I asked, what could I do, instead?
A few interesting things occurred.
One, I didn't have a vision for anything else.
Two, I realized I do have a choice, even though I sometimes feel like I don't.
And, three, I was reminded of a powerful and humbling truth.
Here it is. . .hold onto your seats.
The human's desire is to feel significant, relevant and important. And, as much as the soul desires to express itself - it's ultimate desire is to be insignificant, in the bigger picture of humanity.
Let me expand on this with a personal example.
See, my soul is not attached to my human "how" (like teaching Awakening to Purpose, EnlightenedBiz, or anything else) as an expression of my purpose, which is "to raise consciousness."
Rather, my soul's desire is to see consciousness raised. It is not attached to actually being the one who helps raise it.
In the end, if the purpose is fulfilled (like, when the project is completed) the soul's desire is met and it can move on to what's next!
So, I open to the emergence - to the "what's next?" and I open, again, to asking the bigger questions that we are all, at various times in our lives, both haunted and perplexed by.
What is my greater calling? What is asking to emerge through me, on behalf of humanity? What does it look like, feel like and with whom am I sharing space and time with? Where am I to live, what am I to do? Is something within me and my own self-constructed picture of my life asking to be released so that I may birth a new reality into existence?
Well, until some new answers come in, I'll continue to teach what I am teaching, all the while hoping to become completely insignificant, unneeded and unnecessary.
I open to a new message and guidance, and surrender and trust that life is unfolding exactly as it should.
And, I'll let you know if anything changes!
Copyright 2008, Anita Pathik Law
